School and me.

People call me lazy for from ditching from school every now and then, but there seems to be a slight lack of understanding between me and the people. People don’t seem to understand what school is like for me. I don’t know what causes this, maybe I am lazy, a possibility, which should not by any means be ruled out, but still I feel that there’s something inherently different in the ways I experience school and the way most of the people I know experience school.

School is the closest form to medieval torture to me. It is my kryptonite, my Achilles heel, Jack’s utter hatred towards society embodied. School is the reason I am depressed during weekdays, it is the reason I update my blog so rarely, it is the reason I detest the idea of ever finding a regular job.

When I arrive at a school, any school, my energy is completely drained within 15 minutes, my brain becomes a mash of pudding. I become anxious, uncreative, depressed, and overwhelmed by everything. And that feeling never leaves me after I leave the building. It stays with me for the rest of the day. When I arrive home, I spend the rest of the day in a vertical position, playing the guitar, doing stuff with my laptop, reading, and maybe writing, mostly of course just avoiding  doing the homework that was assigned during the day.

When I’m not in school, for whatever reason, I tend to feel fine. Usually it’s like finding out again that I actually am a person capable of feeling fine, every now and then, an ability I often forget during the week.

Being in a structured environment simply is not for me. I cannot stand being told how to think, what to think, what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. Not when it is done by people who get paid for it, that’s always a bad sign in my opinion. If the person is telling you what ever he is telling you for the money and not for the knowledge he wants to share you’re being screwed over. Since he isn’t doing his work for you, he is doing it for somebody else. Somebody wanted him to say those things. Of course it’s a good thing to be taught and to learn stuff, but you should still question everything the teacher tells you and not accept it blindly.

I’d say that going to school for me is like playing Russian roulette with my psyche. The chances of me losing my mind or descending to the depths of major depression are growing day by day and it’s just a matter of whether I get out of school before I have a nervous break down or whether I won’t. But you have to keep in mind that it’s after high school that the troublesome life begins, you’ve to start working to finance your studies and after that the working life begins…